Toilet Monsters

As a child growing up I wasn’t afraid of the dark much, in fact as I slept I preferred there to be no light filtering in from the cracks of closet doors or from a nightlight in the corner of the room. I believed at my young age that it would be better not to see the attacker that came after me in the night, if one ever did and of course I was never harmed by a boogie monster. If I could see the attacker then I would be thoroughly more scared of sleeping at night. I didn’t develop this thinking until I was about ten, but nevertheless, I lost any childish fear of the dark.

One fear that I never seemed to get over was one that I always thought was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help myself from feeling anxiety, and that was going to the bathroom at night. Why, you ask? Well I shall tell you. I believe that somewhere in the bowels of every house’s plumbing, there lives a terrible toilet monster that wishes to scare you by splashing water on your cold bum or by poking you as you just relax yourself enough to do your business.

I would wake up in the middle of the night from the need to pee. Knowing that I don’t like to be alerted by an attacker by turning on the light, I stumble to the bathroom. This happens regularly in my household. Once I blindly make my way to the bathroom I prepare myself for the deed to be done only to pause slightly over the bowl as my fears creep up inside of me. I wait there for what seems to be a minute but I know is only ten seconds (I go through this same ordeal and motions of thinking at least once a week).

I know that what happens next can only go two ways:

1). I take a brave plunge for the seat and hope that nothing attacks me from the bowels of my plumbing as I do my business.

OR

2). I turn on the light in the bathroom to check that there is no evil creature lurking in the toilet.

The only problem with option number two is that I am triggering my fear of seeing an attacker by turning on the light, and more often than not, the fear I have of actually seeing a murky water dwelling creature that likes to traumatize bathroom business overrides my fear of being attacked by one, so I almost always choose option number one.

I know that this may seem a terribly ridiculous fear, and for a long time (about nine years) I was embarrassed about it, but then one day I asked my friend if she ever experienced the same fear. She looked at me funny at first and then went into a truly shocking tale that frogs would swim up into their toilet from the sewer and sometimes attack her while she did her business. As I stared at her in shock, I could only think, “Thank God I’m not crazy.”

Fear of toilet monsters LEGITIMIZED!!!!