Since this will be my fifth post, I thought it appropriate to do a top five story, so today you will be getting five deliciously embarrassing stories from my past.
5. The bicycle and the moon
This story I will always remember as I have a scar to remind myself of this day. It was fall when I was eleven years old and all of my so called friends that lived in the neighborhood where I lived had crossed the main road, knowing that I wasn’t allowed to do so myself, and left me to ride my bike alone up and down the road I lived off of.
Even the seven year old got to cross the street before I could!
As I rode up and down I was cursing their livers and splines to Hell and back for leaving me alone to play with myself. After I had uttered every foul word my mind could come up with, I began to feel poetic and melancholy and looked up into the sky as my legs continued the repetitious motion of peddling my bicycle. What I saw in the sky astounded me. There was the moon resting in the sky at four in the afternoon! If you are having trouble believing that I have yet to see the moon during the day time, I assure you that this was the first time in my life that I had. As I stared up at the moon an overwhelming urge to run into the house and grab some binoculars and inspect this moon came over me, so without taking my eyes off of the moon I turned my bicycle into my driveway. I must’ve taken the turn too sharply because before I knew what was going on, I was on the ground my body awkwardly crushed underneath my bicycle. I jumped back up as quickly as I could, brushing myself off and wiping away the blood that appeared on my right knee. From inside my house I could hear what sounded like people dying. I ran up to my porch and looked in my house through the front windows to see my mother and father clutching their sides and laughing the hardest I think they’ve ever laughed in their lives, pointing at me and mouthing words that came out as haggard raspy breaths. Now every time I see a daytime moon I glare at it remembering the time my parents were the cause of my accident in the first place by preventing me from following my friends and then laughing at me.
4. Skirt down
Have you ever accidentally showed your underwear to an auditorium of people? Well, I have, and let me tell you this, it’s pretty damn cold. I was in a show at the time in my freshman year and the whole cast and crew was sitting in the auditorium seats as we received notes from our director on how our performance went that day. I had borrowed some jazz pants from a friend, and in my impatience to get out of there sooner, I thought it would be best to put on the skirt I wore to school that day over the pants and then take the pants off and give them back to their owner. The first part of the plan went fine, but as I was pulling off the pants, a huge breeze brushed past my butt. I looked down and saw that my skirt had gotten caught on the pants as I was taking them off and that everyone around me was looking at my purple underwear. Mortified I pulled up my skirt and sat down as the director, who hadn’t noticed, continued on giving notes to the cast.
3. Kindergarten cupid
On the very first day of school I was walking to my class alone. I was pretty independent and all the other kids had their mom’s with them or their dad’s looked at me as if I was crazy. As I walked alone I noticed another kid who was alone and on the way to his class. Back then I was cute and knew it, so I smiled at him and he smiled back as we passed each other. He was super cute, and I had a crush on him already and turned my head to look back at him as I continued to walk down the hall. He was doing the same thing, and my little brain that had been fed Disney princess movies was already working in overdrive. Before I could imagine our beautiful wedding where candy was the main course and we all danced and caught fireflies as the main entertainment I ran headlong into a teacher. She apologized and began walking me to my class. I looked back at the boy again and he was laughing to himself as he walked into his classroom. I believe that because of that traumatizing moment in my youth, I have never been able to charm a boy, and always associate laughter with flirting and crack way too many jokes for the guy to think of me more than just a funny girl who’s great at being a good friend.
2. Nosebleed horror
My very first boyfriend and I were making out for the first time in a secluded corner in a hallway at school when we were both supposed to be doing something else. As we were kissing I felt something wet sliding from my nose, and I thought that it was snot, so I tried to quietly sniff my nose to clear it, but it wouldn’t work. Finally I was tasting something salty and I backed up from him and felt my face and saw blood on my fingers. I closed my nose quickly and apologized and ran from him. He was pretty cool about it, but I had nightmares about it for at least a week.
1. “I’m UGLY!”
It was my junior year and I was at my youth group’s lock in at my church. It was three in the morning and we had scheduled games to play, so that we could all make it through the night. The second game we played should have been botched at the first meeting, but somehow it had snuck past my over organized and stress denying friend J. The way the game was played was two people were blindfolded and placed on opposite sides of the gym from each other and spun around to make them lose their sense of direction. The two people had to find each other with their blindfolds on by judging the noise level of the crowd. If the crowd was yelling loudly, the two were close to finding each other, if they were dead silent, they were nowhere near finding each other. Well after the first two groups went, I wanted a turn with my friend so they did the beginning procedure and off we went trying to find each other. Now let me tell you something. I have the meanest, cruelest, and most vile friends for doing this to me. I was unaware of this at the time, but they had taken the blindfold off of my partner, so I was looking around the gym for her for about five minutes, and when I would’ve found her a few times, she just skirted out of the way. Finally, my blood boiling from the lack of finding my friend, I start running. Now I know this is not the best idea in the world, but the more I ran the louder the crowd was getting, so I thought I was getting pretty close to her. In my mind I’m thinking, Dawn, since you are running, it would be a good idea to put your hands out in front of you in case you hit a wall, so just as I am halfway through the motion of outstretching my arms, BAM! I fall to the ground in pain since my pinki was crushed between my body and the wall and I feel something sand like in my mouth and bits of tooth. I spit them out and feel my two front teeth in horror. A half moon shape of my teeth had been crushed by the impact of them and the wall. I turn around and look at the crowd who are all staring at me in complete shock and all I can think of in that moment is how horrendous I must look to them so I yell out to J who is running at me, “I’m UGLY!” I get up calmly and look at the wall. I missed the safety blue pads on the wall by one foot. There is a chip in the cement wall from where I collided with it on that night. I took it all very well and only burst out crying whenever I thought of how my dad would react to this news.
There you have it! My top five embarrassing stories to date, and I’m pretty sure there are many more to come.
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